Dr. Tanisha M. Ranger is a clinical psychologist practicing in the Las Vegas Valley area. She is owner of Insight to Action LLC, a full-service psychology practice in the Las Vegas Valley area. She provides psychotherapy, clinical supervision, coaching, consultation, speaking, and training services. Dr. Ranger is well-known for her open, honest, no-nonsense approach to, well, life!
Dr. Michael Conner
Good morning, good afternoon and good evening from wherever you are. This is Michael Connor, CEO and Founder of the Agile Evolutionary Group, but more importantly, the host of Voices for Excellence. Again, I would like to say Happy Black History Month. And this is going to– this is a very, very special month, not only recognizing the history and the contributions that blacks had made in our past, but also the continued work that they will make in the future. And I have a special guest today and this guest I wanted to bring in specifically in the month of February, because we talk a lot about mental health and we talk a lot about self-care and being able to ensure that you be able to know when you need that help. And I know that a few of my colleagues broadly and nationally have always talked about it’s okay to seek help. It’s okay to ask for that. It’s okay to be able to say, hey, I’m struggling with something. How can you help me move forward? And, you know, we have seen this as black males that we don’t necessarily at times reach out when we need to reach out for support. So I wanted to bring this to awareness, not just from the black male standpoint, but from everybody’s standpoint, where we have to have a time where if we do need help and seek that help, to be able to reach out. So that’s why this episode today is focusing on that. And I got one of the leading psychologists in the country. Yes. When people come on Voices for Excellence from an asynchronous manner and to be able to apply strategies and go back and listen, you’re going to have the best. And I wanted to bring the best on. And it is so good to have one of my colleagues, a dear friend. I try to use this time before the actual recording because I wanted to say, hey, Dr. Ranger, I need to talk to you. I need at least 10 minutes. And she said, boy, let’s just get to the recording. So she shut me off right away. So I have one of the leading clinical psychologists in the country. She’s out in the Las Vegas Valley area. Not only is she just one of the leading clinicians in our country, she is also a consultant and is an author of two books where we got to exchange each other’s book at the Education 2.0 conference and I was able to sit in on her session and listen to her panel. So without further ado, I would like to welcome the esteemed Dr. Tanisha. Ranger. Dr. Ranger, my sister. How are you? Welcome to Voices for Excellence.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Thank you for having me. I’m incredibly nervous, but let’s do this thing.
Dr. Michael Conner
Incredibly nervous? Girl, what are you talking about? I’m the one that’s supposed to be sitting in your chair being nervous, but you’re doing the strategies and the methods and everything, but it’s just so good to have you on here, Dr. Ranger, especially for an important topic that we need to be able to unwrap in this episode.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, go ahead. My dreaded question. Okay, go for it, go, go, go.
Dr. Michael Conner
Your dreaded question. Now, I’m not going to lie, everybody. I sent the questions to Dr. Ranger and Dr. Ranger, out of all the questions, you would think one of the technical questions around clinical psychology work, mental health and inclusive environments belonging in our pre-K through 12 sector. You would think those questions would be the hardest. But Dr. Ranger asked me that– wait, wait, wait, we gotta– this is… this is monumental because you are one of the smartest individuals I know. The hardest question was the first question that I am about to ask her and the question I’m gonna ask her, and I can’t wait to hear her response is what is your equity song when people see Dr. Tanisha Ranger, walk in a room? Now, when they see Dr. Conner, Dr. Ranger, they think of James Brown, Superbad.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
I mean the suits are… they suit. Okay, so I can understand why that would be your song. Great suits.
Dr. Michael Conner
So what’s your equity song, Dr. Ranger?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Okay, so I just immediately 5 seconds ago changed my mind. So the song that I have chosen is Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake. And I love that song because it is a song about a woman who gets things done and you generally don’t want to mess with her. And I have always tried to embody that energy. You know, I don’t like to fight, so I like to just give off a vibe like it’s not going to go well for you. So then people leave me alone.
Dr. Michael Conner
I love it, Dr. Ranger. Oh man. And I tell you, to our audience, Dr. Ranger and I, we’ve had some really, really, really good conversations, even about education, right? Education pertaining to where we’re at in the AC stage of education. But we’ll get into that further into the interview. But you have such a successful practice in the Las Vegas area, Dr. Ranger, so many people just reach out to you, whether from a clinical standpoint or just saying, hey, I need strategic advice around this area pertaining to social, emotional, mental health. But you know, you’re one of the sought after leaders in our country in this thread but in your practice. If you could just explain to our listeners, what’s your specialization? Why are you so sought after from the context of bringing these equity driven methods into the psychology area? And what would I experience if I was or what would I experience if I was one of your patients?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Okay, so my practice is growing and evolving. Currently, the work that I do the most and the work that I love the most is around working with people who are adult children of addiction, abuse, dysfunction. Because what I was seeing when people were coming in with mood disorders, problems in the relationships, problems at work, was a common thread of the very dysfunctional childhood that left them ill equipped to deal with world as an adult. So that’s become my specialty because it just comes up so much. And so… and I specifically love doing that work with black women because as black women, we’re often thinking of mental health concerns. Last, mostly we feel like we’re failures. Mostly we feel like we’re not doing enough. Mostly we feel sort of empty and where we’re reaching all the goals that we’re supposed to reach, but it doesn’t feel good. And then when you come to realize that is because those were never my goals, because that was somebody else’s stuff that they put on me, that’s the work that I’m doing the most. I also have a certification in sex addiction therapy. And so that’s also a large part of my practice and working with people and sort of healing the wounds around compulsive and problematic sexual behavior, the negative impact that it has on their life and on the lives of their family and friends. And so those are the two main things. I do a lot of work around being present and in fact, befriending your emotions because so many people are afraid to feel their feelings. I’ve had so many people tell me if I start crying, I’ll never stop, which is a valid concern because it does feel that way. But that’s generally not how it goes. But, you know, just embracing the entirety of yourself, all of the emotions, all of them, even the ones you don’t like.
Dr. Michael Conner
Yeah. And… No, no, no. Go ahead, Dr. Ranger, because you’re touching upon a lot of points and one that you said that just resonated with me immediately is befriending your emotions and embracing your emotions and, you know, no lie. The pandemic, the novelty of the pandemic created some explicit variables now that we’re seeing with a lot of people and it’s the emotions that we’re feeling and the things that we’re feeling in society right now. So that just is, yeah.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
So the pandemic played a really pivotal role because it forced everybody to slow down, like grind to a halt. There are a lot of people who were getting by not dealing with their emotions, by staying busy. There’s no busy in a lockdown. And so that is probably the time period where I got the most calls because people are legitimately coming face to face with things that they have been avoiding for a really long time. You know, and like as a planet, we were going through something and some of us were willing to acknowledge it and others were not. And it was getting really, really difficult emotionally because that depression, that anxiety, worries about the unknown, not knowing when it’s going to end, if it’s going to end, are we all going to die here today? You know, it was really stressful and you didn’t have the ability to run anymore. And that made a big difference for people.
Dr. Michael Conner
Yeah. And Dr. Ranger, I want to underscore three major themes. You highlighted depression, anxiety and the elements of the unknown. And we we’ve seen the data nationally in the education sector, where we’ve seen it increase fights in schools, two on one calls were at its highest level within the what I call the reality year, which was the last year before the AC stage of education, which is this year. We saw the greatest number of suicide intervention calls between the ages of 15 and 18. So when we talk about depression, anxiety and the unknowns, we know that mental health has been a high priority within our schools, and, let’s be honest, with limited resources comprehensively to address this. So for leaders, Dr. Ranger, that are out there, teachers, school support staff that might be listening today… What advice or strategies would you provide our audience to address these priority issues when it comes to wellness in school and organizational culture?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
I think that school culture has to make a huge shift. I think that there are too many mental illnesses being treated as just flat behavioral problems. And that concerns me because it just is beginning a process of children feeling something big, that being invalidated, and then they don’t know how to manage or process it. I saw a study and I don’t have it with me, I apologize, where they started implementing daily mindfulness meditation with all of the students. So we’re not pinpointing which kids have concerns. This is for everybody. And they saw that. Aggression went down, lots and lots of punishment went down. And I think that there’s something to be said for treating children as whole, human beings, that they are not simply there to follow instructions and behave, that they have thoughts and they have feelings and those things matter because there’s nothing more helpful to a child than to feel like they matter. And so I would say if your school could implement something that’s school wide, that is taking time out for mindfulness meditation. And when I say mindfulness meditation, it’s not like sitting and chanting. You’re not becoming a monk here, but just taking some time to be present and breathe deeply and allow yourself to be calm. That is really… that has shown to be really helpful for children. And so if administrators could implement that, that would be great. But outside of that, nobody knows kids better than their teachers. And I think that sometimes teachers are not necessarily being listened to when they say something’s off with this particular child. And so I think it’s kind of a see something, say something, if that makes sense. If you notice that this child is usually one way and then all of a sudden they’re a different way, talk to them, address them. If you need to bring in mental health staff to to facilitate those kinds of things, that would be great, too. I think the time away from peer interaction, it’s taking a little bit of time for kids to readjust. And the world is not the same as it was before. So there’s just a lot of patience that’s necessary, which all of the studies tend to really show that there’s not a lot of patience for black and brown children. But they need it the most, at some level.
Dr. Michael Conner
I concur when you– and when I unwrap this metric right, for Generation Z and Generation Alpha, specifically Generation Alpha, where my son belongs into… That age, seven, 50% are black and brown, where I believe, roughly around 15 to 16% come from nontraditional homes. So now we have this pandemic and the ramifications and the future implications about this with black and brown students, not really being focused on that. Where now, it’s been a lot of reactive reaction to some of these behaviors that we’re seeing. And you’re calling for school wide practices. When I think about as a former superintendent, a broader question I start asking is how do I integrate this into my multi-tiered system of support? We have academic MTSS structures. Now, what will mindfulness and that cooperation be in a blended and interfaced manner? So that should be like some of the innovation when we start thinking about that and then resources, strategically aligning resources to be able to help students from that mental health, social emotional learning, but more importantly, providing the necessary human resources, I like to say, within our schools to address that. Because let’s be… let’s be honest. Our teachers, they say, yes. Something’s not so– Johnny and Jane, they’re not right today. But our teachers are not prepared as clinicians like you.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Right, what to do about that.
Dr. Michael Conner
Absolutely. So we run in this reciprocal spiral where we know something is wrong, but we can’t critically diagnose it and have the necessary interventions. So I would say too, a strategic investment of superintendents in this area so that now our teachers are the practitioners, but they’re not the clinicians to address some of the systemic behaviors in our classrooms.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
They’re like the… they’re like the canary in the coal mine, like they are the ones who are going to be the first to recognize that there’s a problem. And then if you have like a protocol, if you have those human resources available, you can bring somebody in or somebody who’s already there who can address it directly, because I don’t think it would be fair for a teacher with a class size of like 30 kids to be like, okay, this one kid has a problem, let me focus on that, because that’s not exactly fair. But to be able to say there’s something going on with this kid, let me get some support, that would be the ideal way to manage it.
Dr. Michael Conner
Absolutely. And I think about this is that, you know, in the AC stage of education, Dr. Ranger, and this is the first typical year since the ‘18-’19 academic year, I think that we can’t allocate resources the same way we used to in what I call the peak stage of education before COVID. So that’s where now strategic investments in this area are so important and that’s why you’re on this episode. But just moving along, right? Because we talked about black and brown students… And now, let’s talk about black and brown students, black and brown adults, adults participating on this podcast right now. And we know that the novelty, the elements or the ramifications of the pandemic has increased, basically forced, our most affluent families to look at equity different. I’m starting to hear people and see people talk about equity that I’d never, never would have imagined talking about equity and justice work. But your core practice… being a psychologist, has always underscored this evidence based approach, rooted in excellence and equity. I always said that, and that’s why I wanted you on here. Just even your focus on black women, it’s just… it’s exceptional, phenomenal. But this right here, how do we push this from the context of embedding this cognitively within our systems? How are we– how can we root this as an equity based approach with mental health supports? Because your approach, let’s be honest, this is innovation. When we talk about the clinical work that you’re bringing in, specifically some focuses around adult learners, black women per se, that’s an innovation in itself because in this space, in our space, black and brown were always left out. Now you’re reemerging it back. And so what does this look like in practice and how will it advance the most marginalized, which is black and brown students, black or brown men, women, that have been impacted by the pandemic?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
I think in practice it looks like a strong focus on paying attention to what’s going on with yourself. Because, like I said before, people have had an opportunity to run. They did not have to deal with it. They could work 60, 70, 80 hours a week. You know, students are in class, they’re in extracurriculars, they’re playing sports, they’re in a band. Like there’s just a pervasive sort of societal agreement to, as much as we can, ignore emotions and moving away from that and back to a place where it matters how you feel, your emotions don’t have to drive everything that you do, but they ought to be informing what you’re doing. And I think when it comes to equity around mental health, especially in schools, I trained as a school psychologist. I never– I decided not to become one, but I trained as a school psychologist. I worked in a school and I recognized that there are not enough school psychologists. There are way too many students per school psychologist. And that’s leading to a lot of burnout. I also worked before I got my degree. I was what they call therapeutic support staff in the school. I was 1 to 1 with with a child who had emotional mental health behavioral problems. That’s a rare job. I don’t know that we have that here in Nevada. This was back when I lived in Pennsylvania, when I was in grad school. And the idea that a child could have someone that was dedicated to making sure they’re okay and recognizing their signs and teaching them to recognize their signs and know when they need to back away from the situation before it gets escalated, recognizing their own triggers like that is the kind of work that is really necessary in schools, but it’s not available most places. I will admit it didn’t pay that well. So I can imagine that a lot of people are not necessarily running to do it. But that is also another issue. If we can encourage more professionals to go into this field by making sure that you can earn a living doing it, you would have more support in the schools. But I mean, we can barely get them to pay teachers what they deserve to be paid. So that’s kind of pie in the sky, I guess.
Dr. Michael Conner
No, no, listen, I concur. Then, you know, this is going to be a very, very biased statement. Teachers should be paid $1,000,000. And why? I say that because the impact, the importance, if you want to talk about support staff as well, our para-educators, the people that are in the buildings, they’re, they’re underpaid for what they’re doing. And I will say this for the whole sector of education, because what our teachers did during the pandemic to be able to flip a model and less than 14 days – superheroes. Yeah, absolutely. And it took a lot out of them, it took a lot out of them. It still is. It is a huge amount of work. But you said something, Dr. Ranger, that just caught my attention – understanding the emotions and recognizing signs and triggers. If every student was too… or we build some type of cognitive vertical model that emulates mindfulness, that emulates Dr. Bracket’s work, your work as well, I could see education changing just from that dynamic focused on the broader theme of culture. Wow. Understanding emotions. Can you just just elaborate on that? Because we have a lot of listeners who are educators but understanding emotions pertaining to them as well, because let’s be honest, we as adults, Dr. Ranger, we have a science and triggers that gets us to be emotional. And I know that this is a part of the self care question, but how could just our listener’s strategize to truly understand their emotions and to move away from some of these triggers? Because I really want to expand on that for their own self care.
Dr. Tanisha Brown
So I think that it is not difficult for us to get in touch with our emotions, but it is a little frightening because there are a lot of messages out there about which emotions are good, which ones are bad, which ones are helpful, which ones are harmful. And when we start adding value judgments to our emotions as human beings who are driven by the pleasure principle to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, we’re going to try to avoid the more painful emotions. And that leads to huge problems, because your happiness and your sadness are both necessary. We can’t selectively numb emotions. You can either feel them all or you feel nothing. And a lot of times people are so concerned about their emotions that they will opt to feel nothing. But that means that you’re not getting the sides. You know, there’s a psychologist, a South African psychologist that I… I love her book. Her name is Dr. Susan David. And she really articulated the things that I’ve been saying, which is that your emotions are messengers. They are there to let you know what’s going on internally and within your environment. They are messengers, they are data, but they’re not necessarily directives. They are not supposed to drive every single thing you do but they need to inform you. And if you don’t have a connection with your own emotions, if you don’t know how do I feel right now? What is going on for me? Then you don’t have the relevant information. And so when I say understanding your emotions, for some of us, we got to get out that wheel, I don’t have it with me. I have a whole floor pillow that is the emotion wheel because I am a nerd. But to really start inquiring, interrogating. Like sometimes it’s like I feel irrationally upset right now. And for me, I could say that at any moment, but other people don’t necessarily know when they’re upset. I’ve said to someone wow, you seem really upset. They’re like, I’m not upset. And I’m like, okay, well, I mean, you said that in a way that indicates you might be detached because we’ve attached these value judgments to our emotions. So if I’m angry, especially as a black woman. If I’m angry, that says something about my entire being, not just that something has happened that, you know, usually the response to boundaries being violated is anger. It’s a natural response, it’s a human response. So rather than someone being like, oh, something happened that made this person angry for most of the time with black people and brown people, they’d be like, see, they’re just angry people. And that’s not a real thing. That’s not how that works. We are all… we are all able to feel our emotions without becoming the emotion. And I think that’s when we can decrease our fear of what might happen with our emotions. Then we can give ourselves a little bit more freedom to connect. However, I will not act like all of this happens in a vacuum. There is not a lot of leeway for black and brown people to express and feel and explore their emotions. We have a lot of pressure and so, I recognize that that’s problematic. But it’s still worth the trouble for you to understand yourself because you can’t control your emotions, you don’t control your thoughts. What you control is what you do with them, how you interact with them, how you engage them, and whether or not you let them take over.
Dr. Michael Conner
Yeah, and that… Dr. Ranger, you hit upon a critical point then. I just want to expand upon for a minute. Specifically our black and brown leaders and specifically when we talk about black women in leadership as well, we carry a different emotion every single day. And in a leadership role, we’re carrying that burden. And that burden that is constantly coming at us. Whether it be implicit or explicit racism, more implicit or explicit biases that we see. You know, and I always say that we get bit by comments like mosquito bites all the time, that people don’t even realize that their comments are hurting us. So… and I just want to just expand upon this. For our black and brown brothers and sisters self care, I’m going to get to your books in a minute. But self-care, this burden that we carry every day. And you know, when you say feel our emotions, a lot of black and brown leaders are carrying this heavy ladened burden of emotions that we just get. We get beat up every day. Dr. Ranger. What is… what does self-care look like for our black and brown leaders that are on here today participating in our episode?
Dr. Tanisha Brown
I firmly believe that specifically, I mean, it probably applies to everybody, but specifically for black and brown people, self-care starts with community because the isolation of not having people in your life that you feel you can trust and confide in, not feeling like you’re known by anyone, not feeling necessarily like you’re important to anyone outside of a role that you play for them. Not just like you’re important to them because you make sure that they’re fed or that kind of thing. But just someone who’s just is your person. And I do want to talk about burden because I think that comes up a lot around relationships in terms of friendships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, where people say to me all the time, well I’m not doing great, but I don’t want to burden people with that. And my unpopular opinion is burden these people. This is what we sign up for when we get into relationships with people. I am your burden. You are my burden. Burden these people. I burden them because I would much rather you burden me with your bad mood, then have to show up at your funeral. Like it’s not… it’s not helpful to view it in that way because that just means you’re alone with your thoughts and your thoughts are not facts, but you will certainly believe them if there’s nobody else to challenge them. I always like to say being alone with your thoughts for too long is like walking alone at night in a dangerous neighborhood. It’s just… I advise against it because, especially if you’re not doing well, if you’re not feeling well, if you’re struggling, your thoughts will take a negative turn and you’ll just believe that that those are the facts. And so I think, for black and brown people, I think in our soul, we’re collective. This community is is one of the best forms of self care. And I mean a good, positive community. People who support you, people who will challenge you, people who love you, but are not going to let you be out here looking stupid, you know, really having people that you can trust and confide in, who can trust to confide in you is like the faith, the foundation of self care. And then the other parts of it, in the general media, people talk about self-care as getting a massage and going to get a facial, going to do this or do that, which is great. I love that stuff. But it’s also keeping up with your doctor’s appointments and screenings. You know, don’t be away from the doctor so long until you feel like you’re going to fall apart and then you go in to find out you have stage four colon cancer. Like you could have addressed this earlier.
Dr. Michael Conner
And, you know, Dr. Ranger, I just want to interject really fast and I just want to say this to our listeners, our black males. I know that we have a tendency of not going to the doctor. Please see a physician, your yearly checkup or your regular physical that you have, please, Because black men are notorious not to go to their physician. And we find out something later when we could have been preventive, especially my black male superintendents, principals, and any type of leadership position. Please, if you’re doing the work and I know everybody here is doing the work, please regularly see your doctor. Go ahead, Dr. Ranger. I apologize.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
I mean, that’s a really important key. I’ve known people in my life who have been just so busy, they’re work, work, work, work, work, and nothing will slow them down unless it’s something really dire or really drastic. And you don’t want it to be dire. You don’t want that to be the reason. You want to… you take your car in for checkups. Why can’t you go see a doctor as well? And so self-care is around making sure your physical health and I’ll also say your financial health. You know, doing an audit, where is your money going? How is your money coming in? Are you preparing for your future? Like all of this stuff is self-care. And I think that we do ourselves a disservice when we just limit it to facials and bubble baths, because there are other really important parts of self-care: Setting your goals and then holding yourself accountable, allowing other people in your life to help you with accountability like that self-care. Because we feel good when we do things that we can be proud of.
Dr. Michael Conner
Absolutely. Dr. Ranger, thank you for touching upon that, because it’s so important. But I think I’m going to adopt this quote and you better copyright it burden them. Burden these people. I love it, copyright it immediately, right now because it is so true with that. But getting to your books. And I use that in a plural sense with an s at the end not a book– See, I’m still a neophyte and I have my first book out. You are a veteran. You have two, many of white papers…
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
In reality both of those books were written last year. So, I mean, it’s not like I’ve been at this.
Dr. Michael Conner
But listen, you got two, I’m only on one. I’m still learning from you. But you’re two books, right? The first is Nontoxic Positivity: How to Combat the Tyranny of Positive Thinking and Craft a Genuinely Authentic Life and Find Your Person right? Oh, no, no, authentic life, that’s the first book. And then the second book, which I just, I just love the title, love it, Dr. Ranger. It says Find Your Person: The Busy Black Woman’s Guide to Finding the Right Therapist. Woah, that right there, just the title by itself is aggressive, provocative, and it catches your attention. The Busy Black Woman’s Guide to Finding the Right Therapist. I mean, that just hits home. But when you think about that, that is so true. Now, if I’m doing an introspective analysis on myself for growth and healing, how would I be able to use your resources, those two resources, to be able to seek what I need to find a therapist or even strategies around approaches that I can adopt using this equity driven focus around healing? So how would you… how would your books help me reach that level of introspection that I need?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
So finding your person is specifically, although not exclusively for black women specifically because that is who I– that was a labor of love. You know, in my circles I am the person that people go to when they’re like, I need a therapist. How do I find the therapist? I’ve been answering that question to my friends and colleagues and acquaintances for years at this point. And so what that book does is it explains what the therapeutic process is, because for black people, we have a long history of being abused by the medical field in this country, and I don’t want that to be the thing that prevents someone from getting the help that they need. And so that book is really about doing some introspection about where are you at, figuring out what matters to you. Does it matter if your therapist is older or younger? Does it matter if your therapist is male or female? Like, does it matter if they’re Christian? Like really figuring out what is it that matters to me and focusing on that, letting that be the guide as you go out and go forth. Now I’m biased. I do feel like black people should have black therapists. Maybe that’s controversial. I’m fine with that because I do think that there is a level of understanding, even amongst black people who do not have similar backgrounds in terms of how they grew up. There are just some things you don’t have to explain to your black therapist. I just, it just is what it is. You can speak in song lyrics and they’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. But recognizing that, one, we’re out here as black professionals. Now, I know that I think that black psychologists make up maybe 2 to 4% of psychologists in this country. So we are hard to come by, but we’re out here. And psychologists are not the only therapists, you know. So if you add in social workers, marriage and family therapists, counselors, you have a bigger pool of people to choose from. But the first part is to recognize what am I seeking help for? And you don’t have to be super specific about that. Just have an idea of what’s wrong. Why am I thinking about calling someone now, but then to really think about what matters to me, what matters to me in the person that I find without judgment? Because I think sometimes people may judge themselves for being like, I don’t want a young therapist. I’m sorry. I need somebody that’s older and seasoned and is giving me grandma vibes, but they don’t want to be like I don’t want to exclude people. Exclude people. This is your… this is your healing, this is your help. And it has to be driven by what you meet. The next part, though, which is the question that I get asked the most is once I generate a list, what am I supposed to say to these people? I– So in my Finding Your Person book, I have a list of preliminary questions like it’s a pretty long list of questions to ask during that first phone call, during those first few sessions, and to make sure that you feel comfortable with this person, because this is a very intimate journey. And if you are sitting in that room like, Oh, I can’t say this to them, you’re already putting up roadblocks and you are making it difficult for yourself to get what you need. And I don’t know, I tend to cost a lot. I’ve really reined it in for this. But the thing that I tell people the most is you do not all that therapist shit. If you do not feel comfortable, then you’ll say to that person, I don’t really feel comfortable. I’m going to look elsewhere and that’s it. Because as therapists, we don’t want to hold onto somebody who’s not being helped. That’s not why we got into this. You know, we want to make sure that we are giving the people what they need. And I know for me, if I’m not a match, listen, I know a lot of people. I’ll give you some referrals, but don’t feel like once you’ve settled on a person that now that’s your person, you have to see them forever. Even if you’re uncomfortable, even if you’re holding secrets from them, even if you don’t feel good after you leave the sessions because it feels like they were judging you or whatever the case may be, you don’t have to volunteer and endure that. That’s not what your healing journey is about. So that book is really about taking that introspection, figuring out what matters to me, and then holding value to what matters as you go forth and look for a person who’s going to help you on your journey to wellness. Now, Nontoxic Positivity was a little bit of a frustration book because I got so sick and tired of people being invalidating about other people’s emotions. You know, as I was writing that book, it was so… it was so interesting to me because toxic positivity for me is this artificial insistence on being positive about everything, about life, that, God has a plan and I don’t know, all of that stuff. No bad vibes, all good days, all that stuff that people say that is patently unhelpful to someone who is dealing with an emotional state. What I found when I was writing it was I was going through some stuff. There were things that were happening around me that were really, really frustrating. They were really pissing me off like it was coming down to a lot of people not doing their jobs appropriately, and it was negatively impacting me like that. And so someone would say, how are you doing? And I’d be like, well not great. And they’re like, oh, what’s up? And I’ll tell them and they’re like, Oh, me? The number of times somebody told me to calm down and I wanted to throw a chair like, what is happening right now? Why would you ask me how I’m doing and then make it go away? Don’t do that. Don’t do that. And so like that, that was happening while I was writing the book where they’re like, oh, it’s going to be okay. God has a plan, you got to stay positive. And I’m like, listen, I’m having emotions that are appropriate to the situation and if you can’t handle that, you can go on and leave. But what you’re not going to do is prevent me feeling my feelings. Because if you don’t feel your feelings, then they don’t pass in the time that they generally would. All of the time that you spent fighting to hold things at bay just prolongs the suffering. So if I’m in a situation where it’s an aggravating, infuriating situation and I feel aggravated and furious, that’s fine. It’ll pass. I’m not going to use it to justify committing violence or anything like that. I’m just going to feel my feelings and to be mad. I’m going to probably yell about it. I’m going to rant to somebody who I know I can trust to rant to. And then once it passes, then I’ll be like, okay, next steps. But it’s it’s when people try to move to next steps, they try to move to silver linings, they try to move to everything happens for a reason before you even had an opportunity to process what’s going on, that leaves people feeling invalidated and isolated and like they can’t talk to people. That’s the kind of thing that makes someone feel like you’re a burden to them when they try to talk to you about something painful and you’re like, oh, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’ll be fine, it will all work out. It’s like, okay, you don’t want to hear about this, you don’t actually care. And that leads to people feeling very isolated and alone and so Nontoxic Positivity is about allowing yourself to feel things and allowing it to help you create a life that feels purposeful and worth living. And there’s also a portion in there about when the call is coming from inside the house, when you’re minimizing your own stuff, when you’re telling your own self these messages and you’re invalidating your emotions. And so the big part of that is practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself to feel your feelings, recognizing that you’re not alone, that these are kind of universal things and treating yourself with the kindness that you would treat a friend.
Dr. Michael Conner
Absolutely. No, Dr. Ranger, I’ll tell you, I wish I could have you go on and on and on and boy, I’m just sitting here just writing down notes selfishly for myself. I know Doctor, I’m stealing all that I can for free.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Dang it, I told you I wasn’t going to give you anything free.
Dr. Michael Conner
Oh, that’s why I love you, sis. But last question, right? And this is the question I ask all of the participants or the guests on Voices for Excellence, where I try to attempt to limit our guests to three words. But for the past couple of episodes it’s been three plus, last episode it was or it’s– a couple episodes It’s been three times. So I’m going to say, if I could limit you to three words, but I know it’s going to go on longer than three words, but carry on however it is. What three words do you want our audience today to leave with, capturing the whole totality of our conversation? What do you want them to leave with regarding excellence, equity and innovation? When we talk about innovation, specifically focus in on mental health, wellness and our emotions, what do you want our participants to leave with from this episode?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
All right. I’m going to try to respect your boundary. I think the first word that comes to mind is courage, because taking care of yourself, focusing on yourself is a radical act, especially among people in a field that is termed a helping field. Teachers are not meant to take care of themselves. Therapists are not meant to take care of themselves. They shouldn’t focus on themselves. They should focus on helping. And it takes a lot of courage to say that doesn’t work for me generally for anybody. And I’m going to take some steps to make sure that I’m okay so that I can take care of the people that I intend to take care of. So courage is the first one. I would say… I would say rest. I know I didn’t talk too much about rest, but rest is incredibly important. I think as much as we have toxic positivity, we also have toxic productivity and recognizing that not every single moment of your life needs to be something that’s productive, needs to be something that’s toward a goal. Allow yourself some rest. Allow yourself some non goal directed joy and to be able to replenish so that you can face the day, face the week, face the month. You need to be able to rest and rejuvenate and replenish your stores and your reserves because otherwise you’re just you’re an empty vessel and you’re you’re you’re just squeaking by like you’re only able to do the bare minimum, just that. And then you don’t feel good about that. Then that starts the cycle of negative self-talk, beating yourself up, probably it’s going to lead to some depressive symptoms and sadness and just it’s a big cycle. So I would say courage and rest and then the last one being joy. Because joy is mandatory, it is not optional. You have to have it. I feel like you need to have it every day. But I have, I have a definition of joy that may be a little looser than some people, I’m not talking about boisterous, like I feel great. But just like I watched this thing on TikTok and it made me laugh until I was in tears. And so I’m good. I had some joy today, allowing yourself to just have pleasure and making it an integral part, as much as… it’s as much as work is an integral part of your life.
Dr. Michael Conner
Absolutely. We got– So that was three times 33. So we got… it’s getting better. It’s getting better on the last question…
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
I just wanted to explain.
Dr. Michael Conner
Listen, Dr. Ranger, you take as much time as you want, but courage, rest and joy and I think a lot of us need that at this time right. Especially this journey to wellness. And that resonated with me. Everything that you said and having our emotions be messengers. Wow. Messengers as data on we feel right now. And I think that from this conversation, a lot of people can take a lot of strategies, whether it be from the school context or even from the individual standpoint. But, Dr. Ranger, we know that there’s 2 to 5% psychologists, social workers across the country. And you have a strong belief, which a lot of people have a strong belief, where black psychologists or black individuals should see black psychologists just from that cultural context. But a lot of people have a hard time finding those psychologists. So we know you have a really deep network. Dr. Ranger, if I wanted to reach out to you, whether you’re in network or you’re not in network or even broadly making these references, how would I or our audience get in contact with you?
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Oh, you can contact me through my website. That’s that’s usually the quickest. My practice is called Insight to Action, because that’s what I do. And so InsightToAction.net, all words spelled correctly, is my website. And you can you can send me a message there. I’m also @TanishaPsyD, which is P-S-Y-D on Instagram and on TikTok and on Twitter if you want to drop a message. There’s lots of ways to get in touch and I can put you in the right direction in terms of finding therapists, there are so many directories now. It’s really… it’s really nice to see. And in my book, Finding Your Person, there are a list of different directories, but like Therapy for Black Girls is one that I’m on. And then there’s also the companion Therapy for Black Men, where you can find a therapist specifically to work with who has experience of working with black people and you know, but there’s also other ones there. There are places where you can find Christian therapists, Latina therapists. You can do like… you can figure out what matters to you and then you can find it. It’s going to take some time. And one of the things that I always say to all my clients is the work that you’re putting into creating the life that you want is difficult, but you are worth the trouble. So if you find that it’s a difficult journey, please know I understand. It’s demoralizing. I try my best to help. When I get calls, even if I missed the message or I missed the email, if it’s weeks and weeks later, I will still get back in touch and I’ll say, hey, I didn’t notice that I had this message, but I still want to touch base. Are you okay? Do you need any referrals, etc., etc. Because I know what it’s like for people when you call to make a therapy appointment, you don’t get any calls back. And that’s really, that’s really hurtful and it really makes you feel like it’s not worth it. But always remember that whatever trouble you’re going through to make sure that your life is what you want it to be, you’re worth it.
Dr. Michael Conner
And on that note, thank you, Dr. Tanisha M. Ranger out of the Las Vegas Valley area. It is such an honor to have you on the show, Dr. Ranger. From my organization, Agile Evolution Group, to your consulting work, Happy Black History Month.
Dr. Tanisha Ranger
Happy Black History Month.
Dr. Michael Conner
And on that note, everybody, thank you for listening. And I know that this episode has helped me with a lot of individual strategies. I hope that this helped you, too. So onward and upward, everybody. Take care. Talk to you soon.
